ALEX MATHEW

MY PRICKING THOUGHTS – by Dr. Alex Mathew

Shared with my brother, student, friend, disciple, teacher and mentor, Mike.
• “What have you gone out for?”; Mike asked me.
• “To see the mountain”, I said casually
“I have gone out looking for the wild flowers”!
• ‘Yes, to really see, to see what is before you to be seen!
To see what you ordinarily do not see often where you come from.
Ordinarily that is;
See what I mean?
“Did you see what needs to be seen?”
“Haven’t felt the need for looking specifically for what is not

visibly seen, you see!
Any way what is there to see more than what is seen?”
• “The pain of the people in brokenness”
“Yes, I do some, some I do not see.
Do I need to see all pains, there is enough to see, you want to see more?”
• “I tell you what;, you need to look
Before you are able to see
All that is there to be seen”
“Really?
? Haven’t finished looking at my own pain!
You expect me to see more of what is not mine?”
• “Look, simply look and sense how others pain.
You can’t take it all in at one go.
The pain of the people in brokenness!
The fears of failure and angry mess
The drive for gratifications
The shame of worthlessness
I ask myself and ask you now,
“You need to see the needs of those around you!
Do other people and their pains matter to you?
Are you so short sighted that you focus on things closer to you?
Do you see beyond the tip of your nose?”

“Then I have to look beyond my pain!” I was defensive, I reckon.
• “Precisely! Look beyond your pain.
Your looking and seeing is centripetally within.
Step out and take a look at yourself within!
Then ask yourself, ‘what do I see’? ”

“Let me be honest, for a change.
I think more of my needs more than anything else.
Isn’t it the normal human bend of seeing sense?
Should other people and their pains matter to me more?
Agreed, I am so short sighted and I focus on things only closer to me !”

• “Do you see beyond the tip of your nose?

• “Did you say something?
Do I see beyond the tip of my nose?
To be honest for a change,
I tell you this
My focus is closer to myself.
What and who are closer to me.
My vision does not wander beyond my myopia.
“That does make everything else out of focus.
There is enough to worry about me and mine.-
I know that makes me blind
To what are not me and not mine!
At times I wonder”.
“When I focus on the tip of my own big nose
I even do not see my own nose fully.
Self indulgence has killed my once functional senses.
I am as good as dead looking at my nose alone.
Come and join the legions, dead pivoted on their noses.
I head the team seeking their own fulcrum
And staying put rotting on their butts.
Let me tell you what I see!
I see very clearly my own needs.
And crave for more, never caring anything else.”

“My needs are urgent and pressing as always
I need to zero in on it, if you please.
Do the needs of others matter to me?
As I said, I am focused on my needs.
My vexing is over my own loads
What and who are closer to me more than my brother?
I myself am not in focus and I cannot see even my nose fully.
You say self-indulgence kills my senses and sensitivity.
I am as good as dead looking at my nose alone.
None else bother to see my needs
Much less provide.
Honestly, I hardy see even those closer to me.
Except those who I can turn around to use.
Ironic, but often I get used, you see?
Even so I am at the game
To fix others before I get fixed.
It is a game to the bitter end
Using, fooling, flattering all around.
As usual getting fooled in the end.
However, even when I am full,
I look out and see not beyond my belly.

Is your focus on your nose or tummy?

“Perhaps some other parts of my anatomy too.
That would make all else out of focus.
I worry about me and mine.
You worry about you and yours.
What else would we do lost in desires?

“Yes, more or less it does work that way for you and me!
That would make us blind to all that is not ours.
They say it is not a great discovery
Coming to think of that, yes it is not!
It is true; we do not see anything we do not want to see.
We have faint ideas about things around.
Yet the longest focus is not beyond our tummies”.

“Self-indulgence killed my senses and sensitivity.
Now I am practically blind to what needs to be seen.
I am as good as dead when I do not see what needs to be seen.
And you know dead things begin to rot.
What fills my nose is the stink of my own cadaver.

“You become alive when you are with the living,
taking in the life that is on offering.
Beginning to see beyond death into life
To see what throbs around you and give you life
To really see,
To see what needs to be seen.
The needs of others.”

Incidentally….,
That is what you and I need to see,
not filling myself with myself or yourself
There is a whole world out there to see!
Do not join the legion of dead pivoted on their noses.
Being their own fulcrum and staying put rotting on their butts.
Start looking beyond you”.

“I would like to try brother”.

“DO, by all means, do that, then you begin to see; Beyond you”

“Sounds bizarre but that can happen.
Then something hides the light within me.
Not letting me see!
Light inside me gets shrouded black
I strangle the light
I kill the light
With the killed light I turn a black hole
A human black hole
The sad part is, I; the black hole
Is not easily visible
But am very much here
The evidence is the Absence of light
From me and you
Do you see me?”

• “Where are you?
Be lighted!
LIGHTED NOT TO DARKEN”

Why mine only?
“Why only my child is afflicted,
Why mine only so distorted
Why only our family is targeted?
Why ours only?”

Common cry with the afflicted
Why is God selective?
Why is He so cruel?
Why to us?
Why afflict my child at all?

More generalized questions follow.
Requesting, expecting some answers
After all, why ME is the larger question
With anyone who feels wronged
For no fault of their own.
Does God who is man’s strength and shield
Let tragedy strike the hapless man?

A handicap may be genetic
Or some accident so tragic
So unnecessary, yet so commonplace
That calls for specific explanations.
This never comes up as always.
What went wrong; you may explain.
How the whole thing came about
No one in particular worked for it.
All the same there is this suffering
But who would take the blame?
Ask that ‘why’ again
Why does this bulb above you glow?”
Of course the switch is on
.‘Why does the power flow when switch is ‘on’?
May I ask?
Because there is power in the line.
Why is power in the live wire?
Because it is connected to the power plant
Why does the ‘power’ flow from the plant?
Because power is generated in the turbine
Why does the turbine produce electric power?
Because I think the turbine turns the coil
In the magnetic field.
So why does a turning coil produce power?
It is in fact some electron shift I believe.
Why electron shifts generate electricity?
Certainly because of the displacement
Of the charge in the electron shift.

Why does it happen so?
You ask why electron shift generate electric charge.
That is a stupid question Mike!
It is like that!

Yes it is so, and that is the apt answer for all the ‘whys’!
You can try explaining some.
But finally, it is like that, it is so.
Why genetic aberrations?
They are not meant to be curse for specific individuals.
In the order of life there are
Innumerable gene permutations-combinations.
All combinations are not necessarily viable,
Not necessarily beneficial.
Not all viable ones are necessarily ‘normal’
According to our taste and desire,
Not fitted to ‘normal’ functioning.
That is not an intentional infliction,
But part of the splendor that is life.
Can the ‘why’ me, why my child’ be answered?
Chromosomal aberrations
A gene miss-allocation may be repairable in days ahead.
For now, it is part of the drama that is life.
For you and me
No point in vexing life
Asking the unanswerable question ‘why’
And ‘why’ again.

What happens as a genetic freak accident
Is not decreed for anyone in particular.’

Is it worth repeating?
“No, if you ask me
All I know is, you are not a dummy target
In the shooting range of
The all-knowing God.

In the astounding act of reproduction,
Is the built-in fortuitous gene recombination.
Occasional mishmash inevitable in this
Endless trillions of crossing-over
Within the gametes of all living beings
Including our super-species Homo sapiens – sapiens

Accidents are preventable;
Largely that is
Even with all the care
Some accidents do occur
That’s why they are called that
We may not bring it about consciously
Sometimes we do, don’t we?
It may be the result of some unthinking, uncaring, deliberate, sick, cruel,
Act of the inhuman human animal.
Or may be it is caused by
Some natural calamity
Or an inadvertent unfortunate mistake,
Pure and simple.
Once happened what is the intelligent thing to do?”

Explanations are not answers to a paining heart.
It is heartless to offer ‘explanations’ and
Expert smart logical justifications
Are they healing to broken hearts?
Yet facts, realities about life
We keep trying to change the ‘whys’
Yes, Change is needed!
In us,
we need to change,
Our perceptions need change
Keep changing, growing.
Keep growing.
I agree.

© Alex Mathew


Dr. Alex Mathew,

  • Th. D, 2008 – Thesis on Abiding principles of Christian Counseling (Jerusalem University,Chennai Campus)
  • Ph. D 1984 Christian Counseling and Hindu Philosophy; a critical look into areas of compatibility.(South Western University, Arizona, USA)

 

 

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