A DIffERENT LOOK AT STRESS- WHO STOLE THE COOKIES? – by Dr. Alex Mathew

A DIffERENT LOOK AT STRESS

Sohan came in hastily as he always is and asked me to explain to him what ‘stress’ is. He sort of pushed me to tell him something about stress as he is very stressed out with some serious family matters. He had attended several lectures of mine on several topics. Despite knowing several aspects of stress as is known by most, what he really wanted was some counseling in his tight situation. He would never acknowledge that (the desire for counseling?) as he considered himself as a pundit in these matters. He is academically oriented and has been attending many courses in Counseling, Life Skills, Stress and Anger management. He was definite he wanted nothing by nature of counseling, but some straight facts about stress. I started out in a classical academic manner stating rather dryly; “Stress is variously understood as anxiety, hassle, oppression, pressure, burden, anger, apprehension, fear, disquiet, tension, weight, worry, restlessness, sadness, alarm, dread, tautness, trauma, affection, trial and so on” “That’s no big deal! Any decent Thesaurus will give all these, sir” I gulped my discomfiture and said; “That is true. These and many more experiences describe the physical and mental state of a person in stress. Some of the conditions would be very hard to be identified as anything specific. A sense of urgency and trepidation causing senseless reactions are also common in stressed state” “I agree sir” Sohan contributed “But a certain level of stress is necessary to face life effectively and its everunfolding events. It is a well accepted fact that physical measures to face up to stress are essential to make the organism to handle the situation either by tangling with it or evading it. It is also a fact that these physical stress preparations are involuntary such as increased secretion of stress hormones, increased blood supply to the major sets of muscles, decreased blood supply to the internal organs and skin, increased heart rate and breathing, dilation of the pupil and many other changes. As most physical changes are of an involuntary and of speedy nature, the organism does not take much time to react”. “Precisely, the problem with human beings is that they have the facility to prolong the stress experience by their cognitive facility. Their senses after causing the initial stress reaction physically gets the cognition roped in for planned handling of the situation. It is considered necessary for survival through deft moves”. “Stress is conceived by the senses and then it causes the emotions to mobilize hormones and that involves the body to take the needed action. In other words the reaction to stress generating stimuli, at its basic level is an action of the emotions- body combine. But then pretty soon the thinking and the intelligence part of the organisms join in. Even as this happens, ordinarily the physical reaction continues. If the physical reaction continues without the thinking process bringing in some thoughtful actions then we can conclude the reaction is un-thoughtful or irrational making normal stress into distress, further compounded by increased anger/ brooding/ sense of failure/rejection or hostility/violence/ regret/ remorse/self-pity and so on bringing on a pathological dimension to stress. In most cases intelligence will be called upon for guidance to arrive at the right decision regarding further action. How mature the decision will depend on the knowledge, belief system and experience of the organism. Making ordinary stress into a distressed sickening situation is not involuntary. The organism makes willful choices leading to it”. I generally do not talk at this sort of length to counselees. I would rather let them come out with their distress. But this was a different situation. Sohan came specifically seeking for information”. Sir, I understand; then decisions that generate and perpetuate stress are occasioned by the fineness and merits of the ‘knowledge-faith-experience’ trio of the individual. How the organism was able to interpret its earlier experiences in the light of its knowledge and faith has a formidable bearing on its present acts. Therefore in a way whether one should be stressed or not is by and large a choice, a statement not everyone will be comfortable with. Am I with you there?” “Let us take a slight digression here; whether one should do a thing or not do is an eternal quagmire. There would be strong objection to the statement that addiction and unhealthy distress are choices. As addiction is a choice, so is pathological stress or distress”. “Psychiatrists, psychologists and drunks would vehemently maintain that addiction is a disease. Yes, the addicted person is sick as addiction is maintained, but it was a choice or series of choices that brought the addict to the present status. And take it or leave it, only another willful choice can bring the person out of addiction. If he goes on with the fixation that, ‘I am sick and have no control over my sickness’, that only helps the person to continue in the habit. The same is true about pathological stress to a great extent”. “Do you imply then that though I am upset because of external condition and provocation, I can’t get over it because I do not want to?”

“Sohan, there is a simple easy step that can lead to peace of mind in a fraction of a second. That too is a decision, a decision based solidly in your value system; what you believe in, your creed by which you live and the determination to be honest to your values. It is said in so many words, but it is resident within you. You only need to refer to it before responding; as you respond, in love, not reacting in anger. You must know the essential difference between responding in love and reacting in anger. Absorb these words; love and gentleness; then place it facing anger and violence. Are they not easier as better choices?” I said this much because I dealt earlier with Sohan when he had an issue with his elder brother. Despite his knowledge and seeming understanding he has engaged a solicitor and wanted me to give him appropriate points to comfort his brother, who also had once come to me for some professional help.

Can a counselor give advice to escalate a situation?

What exactly is Sohan’s need of the moment?

There are no specifics in Sohan’s rendering.

He wants classical remedies.

What would you do?

Think

© Alex Mathew

WHO STOLE THE COOKIES?

JOSE AND JANCY – WHO STOLE THE COOKIES? – by Dr. Alex Mathew

JOSE AND JANCY

from “WHO STOLE THE COOKIES?”

My father has cancer of the colon. It is in its final stage. He has excruciating pain. But his heart aches more because of my situation. He knows he has only a few more days to live, perhaps only hours. Yet he asked me to go to counseling traveling nearly 80 km because he wants to see me united with my husband; as soon as possible. I am a nurse, with a B.Sc in Nursing, and have nearly 20 years experience. I completed the degree just 12 years ago, prior to which I was a GNM, and have always worked in the CCU. My wedding to Jose was in 1988 while I was working in Gulf. We have two girls, 12 and 10. Both were born in that Gulf state. My mother was with us for almost a year on both occasions. I was past 30 when I got married and my mother was worried for me during my pregnancies. My father insisted that she should be with me six months before and after my delivery. So things went on fine. When my husband came to join me in the Gulf he got a job in the neighboring country. It was not really a job; he came and joined a cousin of his own who was running a computer place and catering as a side business. At that time he explained his entire original certificate were at the Army HQ, Delhi and it would take some time before he got the document. He claimed he was a B.Com and an MBA both qualification he got privately while serving in the Army. Since my parents were in a sort of hurry to see me married and since the marriage broker assured us of his qualifications, it was not a serious issue at that time. We were given to understand he was a Major in the Army. But it turned out he was a Havildar (sergeant) Major what they call a Regimental Havildar Major. Jose was a pusher. After about 3 years he wanted to expand the scope of the shop by including computer peripherals also for sale. I had raised the maximum I could and I said a definite ‘no’ to his increased pressure on me. By then I was pregnant with our second child. We argued and debated and fought and finally decided to take a loan from a local Shylock, an Arab who had a wife and family in Malappuram; for six months; on the strength of a postdated cheque from me. It was assumed that we would have accumulated that much money through this business and my salary in six months. However, when I got my salary cheque Jose would come up with some pressing need and take away a good part of it. The result was that by the end of six months there was not enough money in the bank to cover the cheque given to the moneylender. The man threatened legal procedures. It was only then I learned that Jose had doctored the cheque and had taken 30,000 Riyals instead of 3,000 Riyals. It all happened so quickly. I didn’t get time to raise the money and settle the deal. Before I realized what was happening I ended up in trouble. I sent out requests through Jose to many patients I have helped to loan me some money. What I didn’t know was within a short period Jose had built up a reputation as a cheat. No one was willing risk any dealings with Jose. I was confined to my home in shame under threat of legal procedures. After another two months I had to be in a similar situation for another fourteen days. My brothers organized to raise some money for me through their contacts. The day after I got out from the mess the second time, I left the country with my two children in utter shame.

News spread quickly in the Malayalam community, of which we were part. I had my reputation to take care of. Abandoned by friends at such times one looses all confidence and courage. It is shame heaped on a shattered image which was built up over years. Now, I am in deep pain over my father. This marriage is not a concern for me. I will soon have to leave the country. Who will take care of my father? My brothers might, if I send them the funds. Jose says: “What Jancy has been feeding you are pure lies. It is true she had a good job in one of the better hospitals in this Arabian Gulf city. It is also true that I made my contacts and started my business using her influence and money. But I looked after her well, before I started the business. I proved my love to her. I cooked and chopped when I was staying home without a job. I would drive her around in the town and in to the beach; take to her friends, places. I never complained even when she was freely mixing with all sorts of people. Her male colleagues make their calls even late in the evenings. I was pleasant to all of them. On days when she had night duty I would take her to the hospital at 11 pm and go and get her in the morning. I was so caring towards her. Although she was a good driver, I was afraid for her to go alone at night. She would say I did that solely to keep an eye on her. But that is not true. I never suspected her. I like my wife to be a social person. I believe that women can build up better and lasting relationships. All these relations were helpful for us to start my business enterprise with the Arab friend. I became friends with these people and we were living in comfort. It is true I took loans from many of these friends. It was not exploiting her friends. They were my friends too and they lent me the money because of my friendship with them. When the business went down I could not give back the money as promised. But it was not an international cheating. I myself was cheated by the Arab. The story about the cheque is somewhat complicated. We took Riyals equivalent to three lakh Rupees. I was to give this money to the Arabs’ mistress in Kerala within six months. As a guarantee my wife had to give the Arab a cheque for three thousand Riyals. By the time I was expected to pay the money in Kerala, I was not able to raise it. We were expecting my brother to sell my car and give the three lakh to the woman in Malappuram. I do not know why he did not do it. Not only that, about 3 weeks after the due date he crashed the car and it was a write off. The Arab got angry and presented the cheque in the bank. Besides the entire savings of my wife too was sunk in the business at the time the cheque bounced. True we could have raised that money if we had known the Arab would present the cheque. When we gave it, it was a sort of guarantee all right. But there was this mute understanding the money would be paid in Kerala. The story of the cheque became widely known and our friends dropped us. I had heavily borrowed from quite a number of people. The situation was very bad. Trouble never comes alone. Jancy was put to shame. I could not show my face to anyone. On a separate charge I was put in jail for three months. Somehow my wife’s brothers managed to raise the money and pay off the Malappuram woman. Then the Arab dropped the charges. Jancy left the country the very same day after the loan was fixed. I must say she is a proud person. The experience has shattered her and I am sorry for that. I stayed on in the country till the day I was released from prison. You see, I did not abandon her in her time of need. She should know how much I love her. Her saying that she wants separation is not right. I know she is planning to go to Germany as she has secured a job there. I promise, I will not be a liability to her. I can stay on here looking after our children. Her brothers will not hear about it. They want her and the children to be with them. They know she will come into substantial income once she goes to Germany. This demand for mutual agreement for divorce in a huff is not fair. It is testimony of her brothers’ greed. You tell me, what have I done that is so unusual and sinful? She is totally under the influence of her brothers who stand to benefit. They say they will look after the children and the father. What commitment they will have for my children other than the money they are focusing on? I know of their love for their father. It was all a big show. Where does this love suddenly spring from? It is again for squeezing the money out of her. I do not want to enter a court for a divorce case. I have had enough of the ‘courts’ in my life. I dread it. Yes, I have acted stupidly in promoting a dead business and incurred heavy losses. Should I lose my family and my children also?” Jose ended his little speech. I was not successful in helping to resolve their problemstrewn family situation as the influence of the brothers, who stood by her in her time of need, was substantial. They were not willing to be part of the counseling process. They had a powerful motivation for financial gain. Forgiveness was something they did not want to hear of. Their agenda is to distance Jose from Jancy by hook or crook, send Jancy to Germany, and maintain the fallacy that they will look after the father and children, keep receiving the remittances from her. Neat financial security for both brothers! I do not think Jancy was blind to the plot. But by now she is too deep into the brothers’ machinations of the issues. They did not at any rate want to be part of a redemptive resolution of Jose-Jancy marriage. Then they all went to Fr. Paul who had been their Parish Priest for some time in the past. After an unsuccessful attempt at solving the convoluted family situation, Fr. Paul and I had a professional exchange of ideas on the matter with two other close friends of ours. It turned out to be a sermon by him to us three. Jose and Jancy were sidelined, I think. The sermon was recorded by one of the friends and he wanted me to include in this book, his rendition of what transpired in the group, as all of us were of the same mind regarding the things the Father was dwelling on. Father Paul had an entrée into their family affairs as their erstwhile pastor which he planned to use to the limit; I inferred from his face. Jose and Jancy thought their experience with the father was a waste, though they sat through the whole of his sermon, stirring uneasily and at times intensely attentive. They knew him as a great preacher and a great singer too, but I doubted whether they trusted his counseling. This is how Fr. Paul took off; “Those who have been in the slimy pit of privation know what it is to be in a dirty dump. There, survival is the issue, suffocation is the experience, and deprivation is the reality, desperation the state of mind. “In a pit there are thousands who are striving to get a foothold. There are severe struggles to gain a little advantage over the others. Man eating man is the rule of the slimy pit. In a pit only strategies have relevance. Doing one better than the other, crushing the popping up head of the next drowning man and getting on the top of him to gain another inch in the upwards climb is never seen as unusual or unwarranted. Every bit of advantage is sought after and every trick is employed”. I think Fr. Paul lost the lady, Jose and her brothers in his sermon! He was on to generalities that would benefit all. He had something up his sleeves and I was curious and so I listened intently. “Tragic failure in saving himself from the enveloping mud either brings in resignation or redoubled effort with a vengeance. Nothing, nothing at all in self-effort serves the sinking sinner to rise up beyond the realm of enveloping darkness. They do not have the least idea what makes them stumble (Proverbs: 19: 20-25)”. “Men have the natural affinity to love darkness. It gives a false sense of security that no one notices their dark acts of hate towards their own kith and kin. Perhaps that is why many prefer to go on dwelling in the hate filled slimy pits of darkness (1 John 2:9). I am not saying Jancy’s brothers are especially bad. They are being just human. Who ordinarily does not want financial benefits if they can manage it the easy way?” This was the only reference to Jancy and her situation in all the discussion so far. Father Paul became very eloquent and continued “But God who said “Let light shine out of darkness, made His light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ”. This is the hope and saving grace for those of us in the slimy pit of mud and mire. Yet man in his priggish denseness prefers to wallow in the dark slime of sins of commission and omission”. The brothers were showing definite signs of disinterest. Jancy and Jose made movements to show interest, but I had my doubts. Father went on unaffected by the foursome. “David had enough reasons to be despondent and hopeless. In the first two verses of Psalms 13 he wails four times: ‘How long O Lord’. By the time he comes to the 6 verse he has the lifted up sensation and shouts out ‘I will sing to the Lord, for He has done bountifully unto me’. He follows that up in Psalms 40:2. ‘He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a place to stand’. “That is the place John describes as man’s place in Jesus the True Vine in the precious words of the Lord himself. ‘I am the True Vine: and you are the branches’. “Here the abiding believer is lifted up from the filth that surrounded him all his life. He is given a place that is firmly attached to the True Vine, which will never ever be submerged in mire. The believer has the assured chance to be above the slime of the world. Not only that the lifted up branch has the assurance to remain in Him, the branch is held firmly attached to the True Vine for keeps. The enveloping tissue of the Vine grasps the branch and makes it an integral part of it. This is the staying power for which those in the dark pit were ready to destroy others with them in their state of impoverished ignorance. It is not competition or asserting or subduing that works. It is His compassionate response to your cry for help that moves Him to reach down and lift you up. A lifted up branch has the permanency associated with the Abiding status. I am in the Lord. That is my mode of being in the world I am part of His body. If that is the truth about me, am I in tune with His life and His image? If I am part of His body it is said of me “you are hidden in Christ” (Colossians 3:3). Being in Christ, hidden in Christ, nothing other than Christ should and need be seen in me. Pretensions to project in me, what I would want others to see are natural human inclinations. We often bring that inclination into implementation by efforts to sharpen our personal image resulting twisted images, which are pitiable demonstrations of our ordinariness”. My, my, what is Father up to? I kept wondering. Abiding was getting a bit too thick for the couple and brothers. Fr. Paul continued ignoring the visible discomfiture of those before him. “His life in me imparts a certain degree of buoyancy helping me rise above the ordinary. I should, in Him have the facility to overcome the pull of the forces of entropy that will send me down the steps to living hell here on earth. Without Him, I will excel at hoarding around me the filth of worldly concerns and the stink of selfish manipulations”. “As a person anchored in Christ, hidden in Him, I should resist from parading my pretensions. I can easily get convinced that the things I do and pretend to have proficiency in, are attained through my own individual excellence. It is such a nice feeling to think in that manner and feel fulfilled in some ways. If I insist on others seeing how excellent I am, what I do amounts to hiding Christ. If I am earnestly devoted to my Lord Jesus and have in fact reached my potential in Him, then no one would ever notice me personally. All that is visible then in me will be Jesus and the grace of God that operates in me. I will be totally unaware of it but yet there will be free flow of His love and goodness from me. All boasting ends here and I become ready to accept the meanest assignment and am happy to declare praises ascribing all glory to His great name”. There was no sign of a break in Fr. Paul’s rambling. There was a shadow of resignation in the eyes of the brothers. “When I realize that God, the incarnate Love Eternal, empowers me share to His love with others as He has taught me, I will want to be utterly unnoticeable as myself. At that point in life I should know individual parading of any assumed importance is in bad taste and thoroughly out of step with the grace and mercy I keep receiving, despite my unworthiness”. “The mark of a saint is not success in the manner that the world understands. He measures me in terms of what I measure out to bless others. My being in the world is according to His purposes, for His purposes. He has made His chief purpose for my life known to me. That is encoded in His one command “Love others even as I love you”. He leaves the specifics to me through the endowments He bestows on me and He keeps watching how best I expedite it as an abiding branch. He takes me up to the heights he has reserved for me. In the cleaner, fresher heights nearer to His holiness I am exposed to elegance and nobility that surrounds Him. I will not be able to think lesser than the personhood he invests in me. The minimum I must and I can do is to be removed from unwholesome petty personal biases and desires. My life is in Him and for His glory. I will have no excuses‘. Attached to Him organically and hidden with Him in God, my fruits are means to glorify His name on earth keep echoing in David’s declaration, as I mentioned earlier “I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me” –Psalms 13:6. The elder of Jancy’s brothers said “Father, you said that already” Oh so you were listening. That’s good. So the Lord said”-
‘My peace I give you; not as the world gives do I give you’ ‘Your peace Lord’; that is what I desire. That is what I need. That is what you promise. I trust you for giving your peace to me. Even as I desire and trust, I am unsure Lord, my understanding is not very clear about the peace you promise’. Father was into a soliloquy “I am only rather aware of my own efforts at gaining peace. Peace of my making on my own terms. Jose and Jancy, oh yes, I know I am not addressing their painful situation. I am in general putting across to you the path of suffering and how we unwittingly fabricate our own troubles. If you want peace in life, it is there, for you to possess. These Biblical references I make are not meant to bore you, but for you to get the content and practice it. Abiding becomes abiding, only when you abide in Him, rightfully earning the peace He gives. The world we live in is strife-torn. There is hardly any peace of the sort we desire” From there on we thought Fr. Paul went on a personal expedition with his line of thoughts ignoring or forgetting that there were five of us with him in the room. He started talking to Jesus, I think. “Let me define my concept of peace for you Lord. It is very simple Lord; I want to be free of all troubles and I do not want to be bothered by anything. I am supposed to be a pious Christian priest and I want to spend my time quietly doing whatever good I may be able to do for others. Honestly Lord I get uneasy if I do not do things for others, you see Lord I am a good Christian. Pardon me, if I am boasting. But that is not my intention, you know that. If I am left alone to do good as I see fit and if you get me all the provisions for it, I will be more or less peaceful. I assume Lord you agree with me on this” “Having explained my position and as I look into your eyes, I see an amused smile on you. That upsets me. When you have this look I know, you want me to go deeper into your Word. Lead me Lord. “You are OF this world ——————-” –John 8:23 “In the world you will have tribulation” –John 16:33 Thank you Jesus for reminding me that. In my desire for peace and sitting before you I almost forgot that the world around me cannot be ignored. I am to be open enough to acknowledge the fact that in this world, I will have tribulation. Lord as I said I am a practicing, pious, good Christian by what I think, and also by what I think others think about me. But you know better Lord, how hopelessly worldly I am and yet desiring a peace that the world does not and cannot offer”. “I know from your Word that you have chosen me from out of the world and I am not of this world” –John 15:19. It is in that condition and in that selected status that I became eligible to receive the peace that you offer. “As long as I refrain from ‘conforming to the ways of this world’ –Romans 12:1, I will be enabled to continue in your peace. This also I realize as I sit at your feet. What the world has to offer me is a passing phenomenon. There is no permanency in it other than the momentary emotional tickling. (1 John 1:17)? But I know that the anointing I have received is from the Lord Jesus who lives in me. He teaches me all things in the essential truth. The greatest truth of it all that I can hold on to is His assurance. I have a place in Him and can abide in Him (1John 2:27)”. The peace you offer Lord, gives me additional unshakable confidence that I need never be ashamed before you, even as you come again to judge the world (1 John 2:28). I do get a general sense of the quality of the peace that passeth my understanding; because I trust.” God’s wisdom is manifest in choosing to reveal Himself through His Son to be the True Vine and His mercy is demonstrated in designating me to be a branch in His body. Your choosing the analogy of a Vine and its branches to bring home my relationship with my Lord and Savior is not an accident. You have a definite purpose in it, chiefly to make the whole thing intelligible and meaningful to me. As a branch I am an integral organic part. The relationship cannot be any closer than that. The functions and special relationship of the branch to its Vine is far superior to the relationship of a limb to an animal body. “If he had revealed Himself to me through the allegory of an animal, my being a limb in that animal body would have put some wrong assumption and serious doubts in me. But a plant is a primary producer. Its biological function is to make regular food material and pass it on to consumers of the first order. The plant lives. It receives what is provided for it, from its normal environment. The branch that I am, the leaves in me synthesizes food for the whole plant and stores some to be passed as fruits in time. The branch is not a consumer. In Him as a branch, the purpose of my being is not to gain anything for myself, but to receive and pass it on”. “Even as I do that a parallel process of purification of me goes on. I am provided with plenty of water to which I have access through the roots. The roots of the vine absorb and send up water into me for my basic needs and constant cleansing”. Fr. Paul got into a serious monologue there, deeper than the earlier one; clean forgetting us in the room with him. He was stealing sideways glances at us all. We were stuck by his concentration and commitment to what he was reciting, as if from a poetry book of old. “As a branch I transpire several times my own weight in water every day. This keeps me healthy and clean, taking away all unwanted material through transpiration. If transpiration slows down due to atmospheric conditions I am enabled to expel waste through exudation of liquid water. The idea is, as long as I remain in Him I am given means to maintain purity. I need to be holy as He is holy. He does that through constant and continuous cleaning process”. As an animal limb I would be free to engage in searching and obtaining things for me to keep and enjoy. The animal body is a consumer, endeavoring to meet all its needs from other living things, never giving anything back to the ones who serve it other than its products of excretion. It is more concerned with its own well being through some essential coordination from which it has no escape. An animal of the first order of consumption grows and is consumed by other animals of a higher order in the food chain. A limb ends with the self-seeking consumer animal, to whichever order it may belong. It is a different story with a plant”. “By making me a branch, He has elevated me to the noble heights, to be in a position to produce fruits from His provisions and pass it on. Oh! I do not want to be anything else other than be a source of blessing to others in some way; of use to others in need of filling. He tells me “I will fill you, go on filling others with which I fill you”. I hear you saying further “All your needs as a branch are met in me. I will never let you go. You are my very own. Is that what you mean father?. Something was stirring the heart of the elder brother”. ‘In Abiding there are no walls around us. Even if we want to be alone there are bridges across to others. An ordinary Christian, in principle cannot be lonely. He is in the company of saints. He has ready access to fellow believers. Once we have a place in you, the True-Vine, it is our assurance that nothing can come in between the relationship unless we allow it”. “It is true some infection may happen from the pathogens in the soil as in the air. You, in Christ the Vine, are resistant to infections. The branches are normally expected to be resistant as the mother plant. However by the intensity of a pathogenic condition, the density of distribution of the pathogen that is infesting the branch and its immediate environment, it may pose a danger to the susceptible branch”. “What I am talking about is the individual Christian in his Abiding life style may face an onslaught of temptations, desire for more and more comforts, the like of it Jancy’s brothers are fighting for. Such temptations are to be fought by the internal resources; the indwelling Holy Spirit, that is available to the believer. This is exactly how it happens when a branch is subjected the virility of a pathogen. The potent life giving sap that comes to the branch from the vine helps to fight the virus, bacteria or fungus and restores the health of the branch. Here money can be translated as the virus, bacteria and fungus which infect mankind” “Now that I have said so much and since you have been good enough to sit through my babbling, let me say a bit more. An external application of a fungicide or bactericide will make the restoration easier. In the same way the spiritual resources available to the believer, in the form of pastoral care, fellowship of saints, prayer, in-depth Bible study, participating in the Lords table and so on can help to produce a cure which can lead to healing”. “These are surface dressings, filling, healing and health is through the life-giving sap”. Every cell in the abiding branch must open up to receive the inflowing healing. In the vine there may be branches, which are dying down with infection or due to wilting. The branches cherishing sin and self-indulgence may unwittingly slog itself off from its source of nurture. The secret is constant awareness and continuous receiving of all the inputs from the source of healing that is the TrueVine. Pity we do not grasp the depths of these simple facts”. “In none of these problems do we stand alone. The problems we face are realities for all. Their experience and their handling of crippling problems will be of positive value to all. This is where the need for fellowship of believers becomes important. I need others for me to become a functional person. My ‘personhood’ has a chance to be closer to functional level in the company of believers. By the same standard I am needed in my fellowship/community to usher in wholeness in others”. “I am complete in Him. As I am in Him along with other abiding believers in Him, the flawlessness of the body is the cumulative combined articulated vigor of the oneness. No one is alone. I cannot in isolation constitute to the health of the whole, though my upright contribution is essential to the total splendor of a life in Him for all”. “I have not said anything pointedly about Jose, his wife and her brothers. I was more concerned about your grasp of the human predicament which would help us all in dealing with human situations. I see a total solution in abiding which need not be seen and accepted by everyone. Greed and lust are the two major issues in different forms that devastate human lives. But people see it as others harming them. So in the counseling room 90% of the time we hear people complaining about others non-stop; all the time they project themselves honest, pure and chaste, holier than all else. Well, we need to keep that in mind. If men can discover whom they belong to and where their secure place in life is, a whole lot of problems will wither away. Anyway thanks for not running away from my prosaic imposing.” “Oh, no, no, no father. We were benefited immensely” “We sense the intensity of our selfishness”. It was again the elder brother. “You see my children, I love teaching more than counseling” Only Jancy said “How will I comfort my father? I do not want to go with Jose”. Fr. Paul finally started saying something that directly mattered in the life of Jancy “You can Jancy, if you really choose to. That small step depends on what decision you make in your relationships. Are you serious to find a solution to your situate ion? Which is important to you? Your brothers’ obvious intentions or the pain of your father and husband? The sudden rage in the faces of the brothers was unmistakable. Fr. Paul deliberately ignored them. If you search diligently, you would find sparkling traces of love encrusted in Jose‘s for you. Pick what you prefer. It is not my province to advice you as a counselor. But I stand before you in a different relation; you were my sheep for some years. Lean toward pain and cause a wave of soothing healing to wash over you. Search your heart; get a whiff of the burning greed nursed by your brothers. Look at their eyes now and satisfy yourself. What do you want? Pick what you want. Discard all I said. It was tiring for you listening to big things, which made some movements in you without your realizing it. You now know the worthlessness of life as you go at it alone. God makes the difference in life and offers you a breakthrough in your identification with Him in abiding. That should lead you to arrive at a decision. Jose is an ordinary make of a husband. Your brothers are ordinary men who want to get what they can and when it is available so easily igniting your hostility to Jose” . The brothers shuffled out of the room noisily cursing the Father. That is my blunt way of leading with cases like yours. I can say this as part of my Pastoral obligation, but Alex will not be able to tell you this in his capacity as a counselor. I bored you to tedium to open you up to simple down to earth realities which you need to take a look at. I insist on it lest you come to regret pretty soon. Good day my child.

Father—

Yes Jancy?

“Thank you”.

Are Jancy’s problems over or are they escalating?

What are her options?

Think

© ALEX MATHEW

IN HIM WAS LIFE, IS LIFE – by Dr. Alex Mathew

IN HIM WAS LIFE, IS LIFE

from WHO STOLE THE COOKIES?

by Dr. Alex Mathew

I sat in the back row as Fr. Paul was giving his sermon in a special Mass he conducted for seminarians, he said to the Novitiates. Sometimes I attended his sermons uninvited. In the midst of a sermon that is not possible. This time he had asked me to come as he was going to introduce the concept of the fresh new idea of Abiding to them. I knew he liked my being there and nodding my head in agreement to all that he would be saying. As with me, John was his favorite Apostle. So as expected he started with John. “In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning.” John 1:1 This is the Life of the one who IS the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. (Heb.13: 8) So it reads. In him is Life. He is the Way, the Truth and the Life. (Joh.14: 6) He says to you, I will abide in you, if you care to open your life for me. (Rev.3: 20) He offers his life to the one who believes in Him (Joh.3: 15) and in whom He abides.

People who should have known better did not comprehend, did not receive Him. (Joh.1: 11) Paul laid emphasis on the next two words; such people have no mooring in life. They feel as if suspended from nowhere. They are gripped by existential angst. Fear is their permanent companion. They think they have no place to go They feel abandoned even as their Master and their Life waits for them. But the invitation is out for all. ‘Come unto me’ (Mat.11: 28) Abide in me (Joh.15: 4) Do you comprehend the depth and extent of this invitation? He asked that question, obviously expecting no answer in the midst of a sermon. Well, that is the way with people who ardently address people. Christ in you is the hope of your glory. (Col.1: 27) This you should know. This you should live. What causes the incomprehension in general? The Bible says darkness comprehended it not I do not want to imply you are in darkness.

But if you do not comprehend the Life and Light that He is, darkness has taken possession of you. This is where you need to take some initiative. Take the initiative to move out of darkness. This is a choice you have to make if light is what you desire. Then be drenched in His light, infused by His Life. As you move out of darkness, fears that are usual while in the dark slips off your mind. You will get into a frame of mind in keeping with the exhortation in Luk.12: 22. “Do not worry about your life nor about the body or what will you put on”. This is the distinct possibility in abiding wherein there is a steady moment-by-moment supply of all (he gave an added emphasis to ALL) needs. In abiding you can safely forget about gathering extra manna. Such an exercise is futile anywhere, beside the point in Abiding. Freed from such striving and in the resulting assurance and quiet, all anxiety is taken care of in a biological, phenomenal sense. Do not worry about your body Jesus says. Your body essentially is in me organically, by virtue of your being my branch. Your bodily needs are also my concern. Your only function is not to do anything that will cause a distance between you and me. Just remaining in me should be your concern and commitment”. Also understand that, Abiding is not a concept. It is a way of life. It is a life of rest.

It is a life of positive productivity. It is not a life lived for self. It is a life style to provide for others with me. It is not a life to display personal excellence. What is seen in me, what is produced in me, are happening in me by virtue of my place in ‘The True Vine’. My place in Him is nothing of my making. All that happens therein is in spite of me. This gives me humility. It makes me clean. I am continuously being washed in the sap of the Vine. I am continuously being filled with His resources. For my abiding to have real meaning and lasting joy, I must know something about the place I am going to occupy. Not that it makes any difference in the facts, but it will give me more confidence to go ahead. None of us will buy a house or not even a plot of land to make a house without conducting a proper investigation of the property. So let us begin with some basic inquiries. Who is this person offering himself as a possible place for accommodating me? What manner of person is He? To know about Him we do not need to employ a detective agency to do the dirty work of digging up details from private sources. In fact a complete dossier is readily at hand if we are interested. The truth is we do not carefully scan the dossier for details. Even when we come across some facts we fail to “see” despite the fact that we have eyes. I need a new vision, a revelation about Him. Now I want to see, “the revelation of Jesus in me”. So let us first take a closer look at the real person of this ‘I’; Jesus; His omniscience, omnipotence, His omnipresence, and His interest in me. He is beyond my comprehension. His best introduction perhaps is looking at some of the things He brought into being. His power and greatness, His humility and simplicity, His love and compassion, His authority and generosity, His patience and forgiveness, His efficiency and precision, His peace and presence, His divinity and humanity, His wisdom and insights, His care and guidance, His leading and service and creations that are on display everywhere, where you may care to look to see indeed”. He remained quiet for a moment and departing from the usual Mass procedure, he serendipitously asked the scholars, “What is your take on Abiding, I mean from what you heard from me now?” (This is perhaps possible in this private Mass for Novitiates) An almost interminable silence followed and then a feeble response from a rather raw looking Novitiate reverberated in the silence. “Father Paul, your ideas about this Abiding business, I acknowledge intellectually. I can even emotionally relate to idea. But I do not see how it can become a part of my practical existence; in the day-to-day run of the mill life of an ordinary member of an ordinary Parish. Will high sounding speeches like this percolate into the hardened, harried folks in the rural environment?” Fr. Paul was serene and pleasant in his reply. “James, you are not a rural guy, you understand the basics; process this information; digest it, make it simple and share the essence with them in a vocabulary they understand” “But how father, will you tell us that too?” Father Paul folded his hands in a ‘Namaste’ fashion and lifted up his folded hands heavenward and simply said; ‘Grace’.

Then he took up the Liturgy. 2 Cor.12: 9 flashed across my mind. “My grace is sufficient for you….” I do believe that whole heartedly. I knelt down thinking ‘How, where, do we miss grace?’

Grace is a ‘given’ in all circumstances.

Grace is there as the earth beneath us.

We miss a foothold on it?

How do we negate Grace?

Think

© ALEX MATHEW

WHO STOLE THE COOKIES? by Dr. Alex Mathew – THE CA

THE CA

CA is my private acronym for Con Artist; not in any way thinking derogatory about actual CAs. I watched one in operation the other day while on a train journey. There were a few people in the cubicle; everything everybody said was audible to others unless one took great care to be especially secretive. I certainly did not want to snoop into what was going on between the two gentlemen sitting right across me. The man sitting by the window seat was deep in thought and it was obvious that this man was nursing some sad thoughts. At times he pursed his lips and the look on his face took a hard line. He must be angry too. The man sitting next to him edged closer and I could see he was hoping to strike up a conversation. He smiled purposefully; at least, I thought so. The man at the window sat as if in a trance with his open palms in his laps. I felt he was hoping someone will place something in his hands or was it an expression of hopelessness? The man next to him kept looking at the palms and said “Sir, your lines shows you are in trouble; some kind of pain?” “Anyone with a basic understanding of human nature could have said that”, I said to myself. I was an onlooker and could not help hearing and noticing what was going on. As a people-watcher, I must confess, I felt inclined to predict the manner this talk was about to take off and progress. Man at the window shook himself up and came to earth and turned his eyes toward the new benefactor. For the first time there was some sort of life taking color in his face. A suggestion of a smile crossed his face and he kept looking with confused interest for a few seconds. He did not attempt to say anything but there were wonder and a dawning interest. “Oh, I couldn’t help noticing your palm. You have gone through much. This person you are thinking about; you know the world, it is like this in most cases. But then there are means to be free from pain, you know?” The eyes of the man in pain opened with new interest, there were signs of increased blinking life in them. The next sentence was meant to be a prophecy and I saw the trap being laid for his victim. “Don’t worry sir; things will clear out in three months” Now our man was clearly interested and it looked like he was searching for the right word to form within him. Before he could articulate his thoughts his new friend said “This person you are worried about is not an ordinary person for you. You need much luck and God’s mercy to be sure. You know?”” “Yes I know”. The words came real slow for the evident interest, like he was in conflict about his thinking and saying it out. The clamor of the wheels became louder for a moment, I felt. The silence was screeching with the increased rattling. My ears sharpened to any possible word from our man in pain (MIP). Again the man in benefactor role (let me call him MIB) came out before any word escaped from MIP. “You know, it is like this in this the world. Your goodness is rewarded with thanklessness. It is very painful, you know?” I have seen life and have been through too much. You know! My own people!. Oh that is the way of the world”. MIB really didn’t say anything fresh or revealing, but MIP was impressed to the point of hurrying to put in his bit. “You are very correct; I never thought my own father will act so heartless” MIB visibly brightened up. The fish was biting his bait. There definitely was a pull on his line. He edged closer to the least possible gap between them and his whole face was practically into the chin of our MIP. From that point there was no stopping MIP. His tongue was loosened and his story unfolded. He worked many years in a poor neighboring country. His earnings were meager yet he would keep sending whatever he could to his people. There was a feeling in the family that he was rich and getting a fat salary. His explanations to the contrary were never accepted. His people felt he had stacked away heaps of money in banks all over the land. Whenever he comes on leave spending his own money for air tickets, they all would expect costly presents to each. If he gives a shirt to his nephew, his mother would snidely ask “Where should he now go for a pair of pants?” A sari for his sister would generate the same doubt, “Whom should she ask for a blouse piece?” “You didn’t have to bring anything for me; the wrist watch you gave my brother last time is not working any more. Why bother to bring such things anyway?” I stomached all that without any complaints. On one such occasion I blurted out, ‘right, right, I don’t give anything to anyone. You also do not have to give me anything’. That was out of disgust” My mother took that statement very seriously and kept saying ‘he does not want anything from any one’ and then in a sideway instruction she would convey the idea to my father that I was not expecting anything from the family. She meant I was not interested in any part of the ancestral property. My father took that literally and planned things in that line” “Oh, oh, you were ruined even before you started your life” The sympathy from MIB was so soothing. As if goaded by an unseen whip, MIP became eloquent and started describing the raw deal he got from his family and how heartless was his own father toward him, practically disinheriting him and giving away most of the property between his siblings. The trauma was severe especially because MIP had two children in professional colleges. There was a streak of goodness in one of his brothers who also got nothing because he squandered a huge chunk of property in wayward living. In fact this brother’s children were the chief beneficiaries because his mother and father were looked after by them in their advanced age. In fact I have no complaints about all that. Now I am going to a University office in connection with the admission of my child into a master’s program. I was just thinking. That is all. I do not have enough money to pay for the donation in the medical college. If I had one decent piece of land I could have sold that. The only of piece of worthless land in interior place my father has given me will fetch practically nothing. My nephews are blocking the sale of that plot also and asking me to sell the land to them only. I was thinking of the unfairness of it all!” “I tell you what”. MIB took over and was now in control. “I know a woman who can predict what these people are up to so that you can prevent all future damages by your relatives. She is a prayer warrior and prays for deliverance from evil. The devil will not be able to touch you. She is very powerful. I can bring her to your home and she will do the prayer and holy cleansing. You do not have to give her anything. May be she might accept her traveling expenses. This cleaning has to be done for three times, once in a month. That is all”. The trap was now laid tight and I felt any day the MIB will materialize at the home of the poor MIP for scooping in prayer remuneration. “The lady will come to deliver me from the devil? Is this what you are trying to tell me sir?” MIP said with a hesitant change in tone. His eyebrows were knit and I gleaned a sour look spreading across his face. MIB was unaware of the subtle change. “Yes”. MIB was all enthusiasm. “You tell me the day and I must bring her to your place” MIP’s words were surer and carried an air of dignity. The self-pity was gone. He slowly and distinctly enquired “Sir, what did you say your name was?” “I am Joseph Thomas. People call me Thomasji. I also have a prayer group. Our ministry is for the defeated Christians, There are so many defeated among us, you know? We have a burden for them. Every Thursday evening we assemble at our house to pray for the defeated.” “Thank you Thomasji. I am in some pain, for a moment I was taken away by my pain, but I am far from defeated Thomasji. I am convinced the devil will not approach my tent. I am sure you know Psalm.91”. “Well brother, I was just telling you, you know?” Thomasji started fumbling. Was he just telling? Was he? You could have easily fallen in Thomaji’s trap? Did BIP handle it right? What would have been your response to Thomasji’s calculated endearments? Think

© Alex Mathew

WHO STOLE THE COOKIES? by Dr. Alex Mathew – YOU SEE

YOU SEE

“Beena’s mother is the man in her family. I found that out within a month after our wedding”, Sabu began relating his experiences during his short-lived marital life. “We had one week of bliss soon after the wedding. On the day after the wedding, Beena’s uncle took us to his place in Thekkady (a resort place) near the lake. He runs a sort of ‘Home stay’ unofficially entertaining visitors from the Northern part of India as he is fluent in Hindi. It was a wonderful time. We talked and talked. Beena told me everything about her life. She was a bright student who knew how to stand up for her rights and was not easily bullied. She beat up a slimy boy who played up to her and touched her improperly. She used her Tiffin carrier to dissuade the boy and he made away with a crack in his right middle finger. She said she lived up to the reputation of the family, which at that time I did not comprehend. She had a bicycle on which she was an expert. The Inclines and dips of the ‘High Ranges’ were flat ground to her. She could ride without her hands on the handlebar. Catcalls were sweet to her ears. She wore flared ‘Kurti’ because she did not want everyone to ogle at her substantial physical endowments. Her female classmates made fun of her saying she looked more like a teacher than student.” Sabu took in everything she had said, without any feedback. He enjoyed the listening and every word was sorted and stored up. After a week of heaven as they were returning to his home, Beena insisted that they spend two days at her parents’ home, as they would not be coming back once Sabu returned to work. Sabu was on cloud nine. Beena’s home was also in the ‘High Ranges’. Sabu did not mind being amidst the lush vegetation of the place; red, pink and white Oleanders, vivid Musanda, red and yellow; overgrowing clutches of ‘Jemanthy’ (Marigold), ‘Dancing girl and ground orchids’, Crotons exploding in variegated colors. It was part of paradise; beauty filling every branch of the stately Mahoganies and regal Goldmohar, (flame of the forest) Jacaranda with chirping, singing birds and butterflies. Sabu’s heaven was complete with a pitch black Labrador bitch with four frolicking puppies running all over the place. Yes! Heaven indeed for Sabu; the nature lover! He loved people too but never was good at expressing his love observably. He detested expansive demonstrations of love and loving concerns to the point that some people believed he is a proper misanthrope. He preferred vegetarian food; with special preference for sprouted grams and lentils. Knowing his liking for sprouted pulses, Beena put some green grams in water for soaking as soon as they reached her home. After few hours of soaking she packed them in damp cloth for germination knowing he would love it. The Next day for supper, she made an elaborate salad with onion, capsicum, carrot and the sprouts and curds, garnishing it with coriander leaves. That was good. Sabu loved going to church but would leave earlier before others came out of the building. It was more of a practice which he could not shake off. He had a brother and sister; both younger. His younger brother was bigger built than Sabu, an exact opposite of the only sister who was almost skin-and-bones. She too was not a communicative person but made an exception to her brother Sabu who was her confidant. She would talk for hours with Sabu, her sunken eyes riveted on his face. One has to come right in front of her to see her eye balls which had only suggestions of white. The large eyes were almost all black. It could have belonged to a dead flat fish. Sabu and Beena returned to his home after their honeymoon and life was normal and joy filled; for two days. On the third day Beena was not up by 7.30 am; an unusually late time for the rural place. Sabu mother mentioned to Beena “Mole, girls should get up early enough to get on with the breakfast things. Everything will get delayed if you get up late”. Beena did not say anything but went back to the bedroom shook up Sabu and gave him an earful and more ending up with “That lady should know newlyweds get up late. If you want a slave for a wife, start searching elsewhere” In less than two hours Sabu got a call from Beena’s mother ordering him to go to her home the same day with Beena. He didn’t like the tone of her words and said he would think about it as he needed to ask his parents first. She said “Right, you do that. Beena is coming home right now!” Beena left. Beena’s mother mentioned to a neighbor of ours “I retrieved my daughter from that spineless bastard” That was three years ago. “I do not know whether she reached home. I have not bothered to find out” “Now my mother says “Eda mone, (dear son) how long will you go like this? Are you not bringing home a wife?” “Should I?” “If I do, will it be my fault?” Can this marriage be revived? If that is possible, where will you begin? Is another marriage the solution? Will it be? Think

© Alex Mathew